There has been too much air pollution in Westwood lately, most of it coming from people talking about the UCLA football team.

As if the sky were falling. OK, so the first two quarterbacks are hurt (one of which is Patrick Cowan, above). The offensive line can’t figure out how to block spam, much less a defensive end. Some members of the secondary aren’t yet eligible for the draft.

Blah, blah, blah. As if any of that stuff mattered.

Here’s how the Bruins can start their season off right and send the Vols’ fans back to Rocky Top with nothing but a hangover to show for their mule ride over the prairies.

1. Norm Chow dons his wizard hat.

Seriously. The tall, pointy kind with stars and half-moons. Find one in powder blue and make sure it droops slightly on top. I saw one that would be perfect for Chow’s complexion on “Project Runway.”

Anyway, in addition to wearing a silly hat, Chow comes up with the game plan of a lifetime. QB Kevin Craft gets the offense believing in itself with a series of sharp, accurate short passes. Chow employs shotgun formations, 3-step drops and timing patterns so that no single play takes more than one-tenth of a millisecond. The SEC juggernaut, stunned to see an offense devised after 1983, falls back on its heels and the Bruins score first.

The UCLA fans who have arrived by then begin to get a warm feeling inside. Could it be? Could the Las Vegas Bowl only be an appetizer for greater things to come? Is the L.A. monopoly really over?

2. The defense turns nasty. The key is not to give Tennessee too much credit. New QB Jonathan Crompton is going to have butterflies the size of fruit bats blindly bumping into each other in his stomach. He must be hit and hit hard. The new offensive coordinator hasn’t proven he can make things click like the last guy. UCLA defensive coordinator DeWayne Walker is his worst nightmare, varying his looks so nobody in orange knows which way is up.

Dizziness sets in. They become more worried about where to find the bathroom in case their chicken caesar from lunch revisits and stop thinking about where that pesky end zone has gone and hidden.

All it takes is for the human corks, Brian Price and Brigham Harwell, to make RB Arian Foster get that anxious, claustrophobic feeling. Geez, is there any air in this stadium? Then, send the big, drooling hounds after Crompton and, perhaps get a cheap defensive score when he panics.

Now, you’ve got the Vols down by two scores and they’re starting to see visions of the poundings they’re going to take when they actually face a talented team, say like Florida or Auburn Alabama-Birmingham.

3. Just kick the dang ball. Nobody likes it when the punter jogs onto the field. He’s usually got a name that’s hard to pronounce and he’s the equivalent of a human white flag. Here, we give up. You take this weird ball and see if you can move it.

But Aaron Perez is different. The first time he got some adrenaline this fall, he thumped one 58 yards on a high, beautiful arc. Those kicks send punt returners to the psychiatrist’s office (where they learn it was their parents’ fault).

Pin Tennessee’s tailbones to the goal line and see how they like trying to move across some of the most expensive real estate in the country.

And by the way, if it’s close, the Bruins’ field-goal kicker, Kai Forbath, is far from shabby. He may only weigh 196 pounds, but he just might be the little guy who wins a close game for you.

That’s it, Bruins fans. It’s that easy.

And if the coaches decide to call on our services, we won’t charge our full commission. We’ll write the rest off as a charitable contribution.

On the other hand: How UCLA loses to the Volunteers

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