Not only has the Bowl Championship Series given college football such classics as the 2007 National Championship Game (Florida 41, Ohio State 14, in case you’ve forgotten, I’m sure the Buckeyes would like to) it has also contributed to the modern day vocabulary.
You can’t turn on the television on Saturday without somebody talking about computer rankings or strength of schedule.
Herby and Lou and Beano, however, have failed to come up with a verb that accurately describes the impact the BCS and a mindset among the game’s predominantly Eastern and Central time-zone based image-makers have had on the sport west of Lincoln, Neb.
The proper term is obvious: “Crouched.”
As in Oregon’s Joey Harrington got crouched out of the 2001 Heisman Trophy. Or USC was crouched out of the 2004 National Championship Game.
In other words it rhymes with chewed.
The term of course stems from Nebraska quarterback Eric Crouch, history’s most undeserving Heisman winner. Crouch struck the pose after leading the Cornhuskers to a 62-36 loss to Colorado, which somehow landed Nebraska, 11-1 at the time in the BCS title deciding Rose Bowl with Miami, another BCS-produced epic won by the Hurricanes 37-14. Oregon, which finished the 2001 regular season 10-1, meanwhile, was blowing out Colorado, that’s right, the same Colorado, 38-16 in the Fiesta Bowl. Crouching actually predates its namesake by several decades. Between 1954 and 1961 not a single player from a school west of Minnesota placed in the top 4 in the Heisman voting. It’s just that since the advent of the BCS the crouching has become more blatant.
Now before folks from Omaha to Tuscaloosa to Cuyahoga Falls go Sarah Palin on me, no, my idea of tailgating does not include a tofu dog and a 16-ounce Jamba Juice.
I’ve seen Bevo and Touchdown Jesus and flown Buddy Holly Specials in and out of a University of Arkansas campus that is so remote it is known as Fayatte-Nam. I’ve covered Texas-Oklahoma and Georgia-Florida. I’ve been Between the Hedges, to the Swamp and to both Death Valleys — Clemson, where I sidestepped Strom Thurmond campaigning through the press box, and Baton Rouge, where I declined to shake hands with another great mind of the 18th Century, David Duke. Duke was running for Louisiana governor against Edwin Edwards, who at one point during the campaign said the only thing he and Duke, a former Ku Klux Klan grand wizard, had in common was that they were “both wizards beneath the sheets.” And I’ve been to Columbus and Columbia, Knoxville and Starkville. Starkville, a SEC coach once said, was the Native American word for trailer park.
Folks in the South and Midwest like to say college football means more to them than it does to those living West of the Rockies and that is probably true. But the self-proclaimed heartland of the college game also likes to confuse drunk and stupid with passion. Groping Phil Fulmer’s wife in the stands at Florida Field doesn’t make you passionate. It makes you a sex offender. Urinating in a cup and then flinging it at the opposing team’s bench doesn’t make you clever. It makes you a South American soccer fan on academic probation.
Besides, Pullman, Wash., on a Saturday night can do drunk-and-stupid with the best of the SEC. Before the 1984 Apple Cup game Washington players were greeted with missiles of frozen dog feces launched from the Wazzu student section. They’re the Huskies, a WSU friend later told me, get it? Things, however, have calmed down somewhat in the Palouse since Moscow, Idaho, got a McDonalds.
We here at West Coast Bias appreciate Rocky Top, Woody and Billy Cannon’s dash through the Halloween night. It’s just that we’d also like the rest of the country to acknowledge that while some East Coast voter in the AP poll is receiving his third post-game lap dance Saturday night some of the country’s very best college football is still being played west of Lincoln and not just at Tailback U.
So before Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen is anointed the 2008 Heisman Trophy winner let’s set a few things straight:
•The 1972 USC squad is the greatest team in college football history. Period. The Trojans outscored their opponents by an average of 38.9 to 11.1 points per game and there wasn’t even a Troy or Louisiana-Monroe on the schedule. USC pounded its three Top 10 opponents 39.3 to 16.6.
•Enough with the deification of Bear Bryant. You can’t be considered the greatest coach of all time when your Alabama teams didn’t play against a single African-American during the regular seasons in which the Crimson Tide won the first three of Bryant’s five AP national titles.
•Enough with the deification of Bo Schembechler. Going 2-8 in the Rose Bowl doesn’t make you legend. It makes you Marv Levy with a better kicker. Or put it this way: Bo won as many Rose Bowls as John Cooper and nobody’s building any statues of him.
•Forget Miami. Forget Florida State, Florida or Nebraska. The best team of the 1990s was Washington in 1991. The Huskies outscored regular-season opponents an average of 41 to 9 ppg. A Washington team that featured two future NFL starting quarterbacks rolled up 618 yards in total offense in a 36-21 early season victory at Nebraska. The Huskies pounded Michigan 34-14 in the Rose Bowl, holding Heisman Trophy-winner Desmond Howard to a single reception. Washington won the coaches poll but was crouched out of the AP national title by Miami, a 22-0 winner against Nebraska in the Orange Bowl.
•Stanford’s John Elway should have won the 1982 Heisman instead of Georgia’s Herschel Walker. Just because you crouched up and gave the 1980 Heisman to South Carolina’s George Rogers instead of a more deserving Walker because the Bulldog tailback was just a freshman doesn’t mean you get a do-over two years later.
•Before you can talk about how tough it is playing in the SEC or State College or the Big House (or should it be the Used To Be Big House?) try going four quarters at the House Phil (Knight) Built — Eugene’s Autzen Stadium.
And one last thing it’s pronounced “Or-ee-gun.” The least you can do is say it correctly when the Ducks are getting crouched out of another BCS bowl come December.
WILLINGHAM’S BRIDGE TO NOWHERE
